Like one of Your Stupid Movies
by teaandcharcoalforbreakfast
Summary: It's date night, and for the first time John is nervous. Like really nervous. Karkat's romantic, he's used to seeing everything choreographed and perfect. But life isn't perfect. /They're/ not perfect. And sometimes that's okay. M, fluff, smut, xenophilia, tentabulge, all that good stuff.


**A/n: **Wow, it feels like forever since I've written fluff-smut. I haven't realized how much I missed it. But here, have some boys being dorks!

This contains some of my freaky troll physiology headcanons, so if you're a little confused feel free to ask and I will clarify! And probably edit the story so it makes a little more sense.

On a related note, I could really use a beta. If you're interested in helping me write this kind of stuff, send me a message, or review saying you're interested. It would really mean a lot to me!

(It's mentioned explicitly but kind of blink-and-you-miss-it, so all characters depicted as 18)

* * *

For the first time, John dreaded date night. Yeah, okay it was still kind of up in the air what counted as a date. There was only so much that could be done when everyone lived in one big building and there were only a handful of people in their new universe. That being said, he and Karkat liked to get together and do couple-y things about once a week. John figured that probably counted. Normally their dates just happened in one of their apartments, not too differentiated from normal hanging out except for there was usually more kissing involved.

This time, though, the night air was cool and clear and inviting. And John… John kind of didn't want to be in an apartment after last Tuesday. Besides, he'd found somewhere nice that he wanted Karkat to see.

So they packed a couple of sandwiches and set off. It was a short trip. What would have taken an hour to walk took about five minutes when John called the wind.

Neither of them said a thing the whole way. John didn't usually like to talk while he was flying. The breeze's song as he passed through it was too beautiful, spoken in sweet, soft whispers. It reverberated through John's whole being, giving faint echoes of friendliness and happiness. John knew it was an invitation to let himself melt back into the air and disappear for a while. Sometimes he felt bad about turning the wind down, but Karkat was more important. Luckily, the breeze understood.

Or at least he thought it did. It didn't drop them, after all.

Every now and then, John would throw a quick glance over to Karkat. Sometimes when he was quiet it meant that he was wrapped up in all kinds of thoughts he shouldn't have been having. It was bad for everyone involved when he started obsessing over their massive to-do list or going on tirades of self-loathing. For the moment, though, he looked pretty happy. Kinda glazed over and far-off, but the smile on his face wasn't forced.

John debated having Karkat cover his eyes so that it would hit him all at once, but maybe seeing the whole thing from above was better. In the end he just nudged him and pointed downwards. Karkat's eyes were huge when he rolled over and caught sight of it.

When they'd first found the place, Dave had described it as "nauseatingly pretty." Other than one mossed-over fallen tree near the edge, the entire clearing was open and covered with a thick carpet of green. It was mostly grass, but it was spotted here and there with clover that had recently sprouted a few pinkish blossoms. On the eastern side there was a big, clear pond. They'd taken some samples of the water back to base and, after some science that John didn't really care too much about, it had been declared perfectly safe. Which was good because John suddenly realized he'd forgotten to bring anything to drink, and that after last time he'd been so thirsty and-

Fuck. There was going to be another last time wasn't there?

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.

Not that it was bad or anything. It was fucking awesome, but John was still-

Unless Karkat didn't want to tonight?

Well, that would be fine, but what if he'd fucked up and Karkat would never want to again? After all, they hadn't really thought about it then. It had all been so fast. Maybe he'd regretted it.

John really wasn't sure which was worse.

"_Chill out!" _He thought, _"You're not supposed to be the neurotic one here!" _

He carefully guided the two of them in for a landing in the center of the meadow. Karkat decaptchalogued a blanket and spread it out.

"Don't worry about it. The grass isn't _that _wet."John plopped down onto the ground and patted the spot next to him.

He made a face but lay down. John took the chance to cuddle up against him and caught a smile out of the corner of his eye.

"So you find out anything interesting today?" John asked once they were both comfortable.

"Not really. Jade and Roxy are working together to program this big world simulation program. I think they want to try a bunch of different variables before we waste energy and resources building and shit. I couldn't understand a thing they were doing, so I kind of just cleaned test tubes."

John laughed, "Yeah, I know that feel. That's pretty much why I volunteered for exploration duty."

With a huff Karkat said, "I did too, but you wouldn't let me!"

"Hey, with me, Jake, and Dave all going around we've got enough. Besides," He pulled away so he could see Karkat's face. "None of us want you to get hurt."

"I'll be _fine!" _

"Both me and Jake have been seriously injured out here more than once. You don't heal like we do."

"I guess, but still there's got to be something more I can do."

"Other than keeping us all organized? That's kind of an important job, dude."

"I guess."

"Don't worry, you don't have anything to prove."

"I know, I know."

"We all love you just the way you are."

"Yeah, I know." His ears flicked down and his face went bright red.

John leaned over and kissed him on each pinkish cheek. "Karcutie."

"John, I am going to fucking murder you with your own windsock."

"No, you won't."

Karkat sighed. "No, I won't." He turned away and looked back up. After a moment he said, "It's almost your wriggling day, isn't it?"

"Huh?" It took him a moment to process the change in subject. "Oh yeah. I almost forgot about that."

"I did too. But see?" He lifted a hand and pointed skyward, "That's Umbra over there. It's getting close to taking over."

"Is that what you've named that ghosty-looking constellation?"

"It's not just a ghosty constellation. It's what the universe made to represent you."

"Really? It's lucky I got it near my birthday, then."

"I think maybe that's one of the perks of being a leader. You get to start and then everyone else arranges themselves around you. My sign took over on my wriggling day, it's just that your astronomers didn't quite get it right."

"That's pretty cool, I guess!"

"You guess?" Karkat raised an eyebrow at him.

"Yeah, well I guess it's a nice surprise. We really didn't think about leaders or anything when we started. It just kinda happened that Rose brought me in first."

"I know. I saw, remember?"

"Oh yeah, you guys and your time shenanigans! I'm so glad we're done with all that! It drove me crazy."

"You mostly just laughed it off, if I remember right."

"Nope, there was definitely ragefacing early on. I got used to it eventually, though. And it was funnier when you started getting more pissed off!"

"God, thirteen year old me. Fuck, let's not think about him."

"Why not? He was adorable. Even though for some reason I always imagined when we met you'd be taller than me because of all of your alien posturing and stuff."

"Fuck off. And if we'd met when we were thirteen I _would _have been taller than you. Dave told me so."

"Really?"

"By like an inch, but yes."

John laughed. "Man, that is so _weird _to think about! Hey, if we could send a message into the past saying we were dating, how do you think it would end?"

"Well, I'd probably freak out, deny it, and then call present us stupid."

"Yep, I can definitely see it."

"And you'd probably think it was a prank and go back to saying you were not a-"

John groaned, "Karkat, I said that _one time. _And that was only because I'd had a crush on Liv Tyler since I was ten and no one told me bisexuality was a thing until I was fifteen."

"I know." He smiled brightly. "I was teasing you, dumbfuck."

"Oh."

"Never thought _I'd _be telling _you _to relax."

John sighed and ran his hand over his face. "Tell me about it."

Karkat pulled out his sandwich. "Besides, it's not like you were exactly _wrong, _though. You still like women better."

"If we're going by numbers, then yeah, but you know I like you best."

John didn't even think about what he was saying until he heard the soft 'plop' of the sandwich falling onto the grass. He turned just in time to see Karkat go bright red and then clap his hands over his face and roll away. For a moment he was going to apologize, but then he noticed the happy little ear twitches and the way Karkat couldn't quite cover his smile.

"Hey, that's not fair! I wanna see you do the thing!"

When he spoke, Karkat's voice was muffled, "It's not fair to say shit that makes me revert to a three-sweep-old."

"It totally is."

"Is not."

"Is too."

Acting quickly so there wasn't enough time for contradiction, John wrapped his arms around Karkat's middle and pulled him close to litter kisses down the back of his neck. He felt more than heard his boyfriend's low purring start and began humming into the kisses in return. Karkat curled even more tightly into himself, trapping John's arm between his stomach and thighs. After a while, John ran out of space that he hadn't kissed yet, so he pulled the neck of Karkat's shirt to the side. With one warning kiss, he opened his mouth so he could start sucking a new mark onto Karkat's shoulder.

Karkat opened up then, stretching out and rolling over again so he was on his back. John let go and pushed himself a few inches off of the ground. Oh wow, Karkat was beautiful in the moonlight, face dark with blush and eyes nearly black with desire. They were still close enough for John to notice the way his pores reflected the pale light and to count the faint freckles that dotted his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. And, fuck, John had thought that someone having the stars in their eyes was just poetic language, but he swore he could make out constellations reflected in Karkat's pupils.

The crickets hidden in the brush chirped and the wind rustled the trees. Their breaths were still too quiet for John to really hear, and even though he could feel his heart beating faster it wasn't rushing in his ears. The loudest thing in the forest was Karkat's soft purring.

He wanted to kiss him. More than anything. He leaned forward and a lock of hair fell in John's face. Then his mind flashed back a week, to the last time he was leaning over Karkat and saw that look.

Nervousness hit him like a brick to the gut. Nope, nope, couldn't do it. He sat up and felt himself go as red as Karkat was.

"That was-"

"Uh, yeah."

"Let's um- can we do that eating thing now?" John asked.

"Yeah, that sounds good, um, here." He decaptchalogued the other sandwich and shoved it in John's hands. Then he turned away and picked up his own.

John focused on his food so that he didn't have to focus on Karkat or think about the fact that he'd just fucked up big time. It didn't really help, though. He was so preoccupied that he could barely even taste his sandwich, which was totally uncool because it was turkey, and turkeys were the tastiest animals they'd found on their planet so far but a real pain in the ass to catch. He wondered if Karkat was doing any better. Of course, even if he wasn't they basically had a limitless supply of honey and puree-o-cockraoch so _he _could just make another sandwich later.

By the time John was finished he was pretty sure his terminal blush had gone down a little. He turned back towards Karkat, only to see him already watching him quietly. Of course he was. Trolls always ate faster because they pretty much skipped that whole chewing part, so why did he think this would be any different? And, fuck, the blush was back.

Shit, say something. Say something.

"You've got a thing on your face," He blurted out.

Thankfully, it seemed like Karkat actually did. He ran a hand across his mouth and came back with something thin, translucent, and shiny.

"Fuck, is that a _wing?" _

"Yeah." And then he ate it.

John really should have been more used to it by then. At least it wasn't like in the spring when they found three-inch-long grubs and the trolls skewered them all and stuck them in the freezer to eat like bloody popsicles throughout the summer. And that was really not fair, because it should have been hot when Karkat would lick and suck at something vaguely phallic, but John had never noped harder in his life. Especially because it seemed like that species could survive being frozen solid and then started wiggling again after a while. And that was everyone's favorite part because they got to get violent with it.

Sometimes John just had to sit back and thank Skaia that trolls hadn't evolved from the bugs that ate their mates' heads during sex.

Oh, god.

But before he could dwell too much on it, Karkat smiled and started talking again.

"Thanks for taking me out here. It's really beautiful."

"You're welcome."

"About how far away are we?"

"Um, I think if you go in a straight line it's probably about three miles? It's five if you have to walk."

"John, I have no understanding of any of your stupid human measurements over a yard."

"I don't know yours either, though." John said, leaning back to look at the sky too, like maybe if he stared out into the void for long enough he'd understand what was going through his boyfriend's head.

"But it's pretty fucking far, right?" Karkat asked.

"Yeah, let's go with that."

"Okay. So we're far away. Alone. Somewhere that's straight out of one of Kanaya's J.R.R. Trollkien books. At night."

"Oh. Um, yeah, I guess we are."

"You've been thinking about it too, haven't you?"

John's head whipped over so he could look at Karkat. He wanted to make excuses, or at least to say how he really hadn't been thinking about it when he was planning this, how he really _had_ wanted to show him this because it was just like in one of his stupid movies and he really loved that shit, and he just wanted to make Karkat happy.

Instead, he breathed out through his teeth and said, "Yeah. Haven't you?"

"I wouldn't have fucking asked you if I hadn't."

"So, um, what do you wanna do?"

John gnawed the inside of his lip, not sure of what he really wanted Karkat to say or do. All he really knew was that he might as well have grabbed his stomach and made a balloon animal out of it. Maybe he shouldn't have put so much mayo on his sandwich. That was a really fucking lame thing to think. Karkat needed to spit something out before John's brain embarrassed itself to death.

"It's not about what I _want _to do," Karkat finally said slowly, like he was cross-referencing the meaning of every single word before he said it. "It's about what we should do."

Now the balloon animal was being filled with lead. "And what's that?"

"We should talk about it. Communication is key for a healthy relationship, and I mean I've seen a lot of movies where something like this has happened and then one or the other of the leads gets confused and hurt and there are fights and sometimes infidelity, not that I think you're cheating on me or anything, but bad stuff happens because the two people involved never really reached a consensus and sometimes there's quadrant flipping involved, but I think in some ways that might be the opposite of our problem? But I'm not sure. Anyway, though, we should probably have an open conversation about this where neither of us run away like scared little wrigglers even though I really am scared right now and-"

John reached over and papped Karkat's cheek lightly, cutting him off. "Yeah, we probably should. But if you want to keep talking you have to actually say something."

"Right."

But then neither of them said anything. John should have let him keep rambling.

"Okay," Karkat finally said. His shoulders drooped and his ears folded down. "I've been thinking about this a lot. And I've talked to Kanaya and Terezi a lot and it was really embarrassing, but it's only fair for you to know. My brain's broken."

John blinked. Okay that… that was not what he was expecting at all. "What do you mean?"

"The emotional core in my brain, the one that's supposed to dole out hate and pity and all of that for the normal spread of troll relationships, is fucked up. I don't know what, but there's something wrong with it. I think it's part of my mutation, because I talked to my dancestor a few times about it in the dream bubbles and he said that he felt like this too, and there's evidence that ancestor me and ancestor him were like that too. But the point is, and this is really sad coming from me, I can't really differentiate quadrants." He was biting his lower lip and staring at me nervously like he'd just told John he was positive for an STD or something.

"Um, alright. Good to know? But, uh, what exactly does that mean?"

"Right. You and Dave are firmly in the 'ignore Karkat's speeches on alien romance and sexualty' club even _after _you've pailed one of us!"

"Hey! That's not true! I've listened. I just still don't quite get what it means. I respect you guys to do what you want, I just can't picture it."

Karkat gave John a long-suffering sigh. "It means that I want you in every quadrant."

"Does that mean you hate me?"

"What? No! Blackrom isn't quite as simple as you're making it, it's nuanced and complex. I'm still not quite sure all of where I fall because it's not quite vacillation and this is still kind of confusing. I thought I had it figured out, but then we… you know. And then the mating fondness kicked in and I've just been so confused about how everything fits together."

"Try. Tell me what you want."

He visibly braced himself and took a deep breath. "I want to sleep next to you and hold you and take care of you like a moirail. I want to keep you from making stupid choices and getting into fights like an auspice. I want to challenge you for leadership and make you stronger like a kismesis. And I want to kiss you and touch you like a matesprit. And I want you to do the same for me."

John smiled. "Karkat, that is the opposite of a problem!"

"It is?"

"Yeah! You've been doing that kind of stuff anyway, you know."

"I have?"

"Mm-hmm. And I am totally okay with it. It sounds pretty much like you want to be human boyfriends."

"So it's not weird?"

"No. Honestly, I think you pretty much just described how I feel about you. Heh, maybe _you're _actually the reason humans think like we do."

Karkat stared open-mouthed for a moment. Then the next thing John knew he was lying on the grass with a mouth full of troll tongue. He flailed for a moment, wide eyes catching flashes of grey skin and black hair and far-off sky. Then he settled into it. His fingers wormed their way into Karkat's short, coarse hair. He closed his eyes and gave up thinking to kiss back.

But after what John swore was not _nearly _long enough Karkat pulled away.

"Fuck, we were going to talk about this shit before we did it!"

John whined wordlessly until he remembered how to use his tongue for something other than making out. "I thought we just did?"

"I mean do you want to… you know."

"Yeah. Um, I mean, if it's cool with you."

"It's cool with me!" Karkat blurted out a little too quickly.

It made John laugh, which took a little bit of the edge off. Karkat huffed and peeled his shirt off. John ran his hands down Karkat's sides, smiling as his boyfriend shivered.

He felt the sudden urge to roll them over and take and take and take. But no, that was basically what happened last time and he felt like shit afterwards, even though Karkat seemed like he liked it. So his primal lizard-brain could just shut up and enjoy the view of Karkat's compact, muscular body. Besides, then Karkat looked at him like he was prey, and wow, John had no idea how much he liked that until his guts clenched pleasantly.

Karkat's smooth hands found their way beneath the hem of John's shirt and pushed it up, revealing his stomach inch by inch. Once it was far enough, Karkat leaned down and began to bite and lick, always on the newest piece of skin available. John squirmed, not knowing if he was trying to get closer or further away.

Then his head got stuck on the neck of his shirt. Goddammit, this is why they couldn't have nice things. And then once they managed to get it over his head his glasses tried to go flying too and the bridge ended up twisted in his hair. Needless to say, by the time everything was settled any sexy mojo they had been building up was gone.

Karkat opened his mouth to say something, but John pulled him down for another kiss. Whatever it was going to be would have been awkward and make them both more nervous and make them think, and thinking bad, kissing good.

They rearranged themselves so that Karkat could rub against the top of John's hip, which also had the nice effect of putting one of Karkat's thighs in perfect rutting position. They'd gotten this far plenty of times. Karkat was just starting to lose the battle to not keen like a cat in heat. It wouldn't be long now.

Oh fuck, it wouldn't be long. And even with the rubbing John was barely starting to get hard. Shit, where were all those random boners when he needed them? Well, okay, at terrible places in his adolescence, but _still. _What if Karkat took it the wrong way? What if he decided he didn't want a boyfriend who was having issues getting it up at age eighteen? Shit. Come on, come _on! _

Karkat pulled away. "John? What's wrong?"

Great. John didn't even get the obvious escape of 'are you okay?' He looked away. "I'm just… nervous I guess?"

"You're telling me. Fuck, I don't know why I'm freaking out, but I don't know if you could coax my bulge out right now if the drones were a block away."

"That happens to trolls too?"

"What did you think?"

"I donno. I guess I just didn't think about it before? Maybe we should go back and try again later?"

"But you worked so hard on this! I don't want to throw it back in your face like you offered me week old puke in an unwashed bucket."

"Oh man, that is gross no matter what culture you're from. But it's okay, really. We're both, you know, having issues. Besides, maybe you can come back to my place and we can make some hot chocolate and stuff."

"Do you have any of those ghost marshmallows left?"

"Hell yes."

"Then do you even have to ask?"

They gathered their things up quickly and gave each other quick looks over, so it didn't seem like they'd gotten half way to sex and then gave up.

Of course, because they spent so much time trying to make sure they looked okay, there was no one wandering around, but that just meant it didn't take as long for them to get settled on John's sofa, pressed against each other sipping their hot coca and actually talking. The words themselves couldn't have mattered less. They had nothing to do with what was really being said by the gentle touches.

Warmth from the mug in his hands and troll at his side seeped into John's muscles, relaxing things he hadn't even realized were tight. When he looked over he could see the tension leaving Karkat too. His ears sat just a little lower and his skin was just a little less pale, his spine less ridged and his hands half-open on his lap. It was a good look for him. A really good look. The only problem was John didn't know if he would rather be between his legs or wrapped around him like a spider monkey.

As John set his empty mug on the coffee table, a yawn struck up on him. Then, struck by the spirit of doing corny things that Karkat went crazy for, he turned it into the stretch and arms-around-shoulders combo. Karkat actually laughed at that, scratchy and light but so _true. _

"Could you be any more of a fucking dork?"

"Probably."

"That was rhetorical, idiot. It's fucking impossible."

There was a brief pause that John took to plan his next move.

"Karkat?" They locked eyes and John put on his best serious face.

"Yes?"

"I want your biologically dubious hybrid ectobabies."

Karkat's laughter was fuller this time, coming from deep in his gut. John started laughing too. How could he _not _when Karkat had that precious, adorable smile on his face?

They both got over it at about the same time and stared wordlessly at each other. They were both grinning, both silent, and then they moved together at the same time.

John swore he heard violins swell in the background.

Wait, no, it was Dave's 'ironic' cheesy music hour and it was coming through the wall.

It still worked. Karkat seemed like he was really into it, kissing back passionately and gently caressing John's face in time to the music. John knew that if he tried doing that kind of thing too it would only end in pain, so he just cupped Karkat's jaw and hoped it was good enough for him.

They pulled apart and John ran his thumbs over Karkat's ears, velvety and soft in spite of the strange muscles and cartilage packed inside. They moved just a little in response, flicking up and then back down. Karkat purred again and ran his fingers through John's hair.

"Do you know the words to this song?" He asked.

"Umm… Kinda? It's been a while"

"Can you sing it for me?"

"Aw, Jeez Karkat!"

"Please?"

Man, how could he say no to that face? He closed his eyes for a moment to figure out where in the song they were. Fuck, he hadn't heard this in so long…

"Seasons are changing and waves are crashing and something something all for us. Days grow longer and nights grow shorter. I can't remember this part either!" Karkat was smiling softly, more amused than annoyed at the holes in John's memory. But oh, chorus! He knew that! "I will never let you fall. I'll stand up with you foreve-e-er. I'll be there for you through it all. Even if saving you sends me to heaven. 'Cause you're my, you're my, my-e-i-e-i-e-i my true love, my whole heart, please don't throw that away-"

Karkat's face was bright red, eyes wide, ears fully back, and he wasn't breathing. John couldn't have kept on even if he remembered the rest of the lyrics. Karkat let out a strangled little squeak. John bit his lip. Was that good or bad? He really had no reference for-

Oh, now Karkat was in his lap and kissing the fuck out of him. Oh, yep, good. John deepened the kiss, stroking the back of Karkat's neck. He was so warm, and as they moved he rubbed against John's stomach and crotch and that kiss-

So _that _was where random boners went. Karkat didn't seem to mind. If anything, he was kissing harder and rocking against him more intently. Whatever Karkat did he did with all of the passion and strength he had to offer. John wouldn't change the experience of being loved by someone like that for anything in the world. He would have done anything to keep kissing him forever, but air needed to be a thing. He pulled back just far enough to gasp for breath. Karkat was panting too, his breaths warm and damp on John's face.

"Take two?" John asked.

"Take two."

Karkat slithered off of John's lap. Fuck, it was cold without him! It took all John had not to pull Karkat back down. But he controlled himself.

Besides, this way he got to watch those hips in action. Karkat didn't have much in the ass department, but he more than made up for it with that walk. The height and looseness of his pants should have been criminal for keeping it a secret for so long. But now that he knew what he was looking for, John could see the outline of his hip bone and how the shape shifted with Karkat's every step. John remembered how they'd felt beneath his fingers, warm and solid and ever-so-slightly different from a human's.

John followed, catching up right in front of the bed and hugging him from behind. He was purring again, vibrating softly in John's grip. He turned and guided John's hands to the hem of his shirt. John pulled it away and threw it somewhere to the side. Now that it was gone, he was treated for the second time to a front-row seat for sexy boyfriend viewing. He placed his hands on Karkat's chest, feeling the bizarre shape of his pectorals and the strange triple beat of his heart.

One of these days, John wanted to just lay Karkat down and explore. Of course they'd touched before, but John wanted a chance to take his time. He wanted to feel the six defined muscle groups on his sides and how they transitioned into the smooth vulnerability of his stomach. He wanted to spend the time to work out exactly what it was that made their ribs and spines so different. He wanted to run his fingers down the wild landscape of Karkat's skin and learn what was natural troll stuff and what were the markings of a hard life lived.

But they had time. They had all the time in the world and the thought made John giddy with excitement.

Karkat took the touch as his cue to fall backwards onto the bed. Well, they'd have to get there eventually anyway. John flopped onto the bed after him and scrambled up so they were face to face. Karkat's warm, sweaty hands found their way under his shirt. John took his glasses off and set them on the bedside table. He didn't want a repeat of earlier. This time his shirt didn't even get stuck and Karkat happily took his turn feeling John up.

John wondered if he was thinking about how weird John's body was to him. If he was, was he as curious as John, or was he just kind of repulsed but going forward anyway because he liked him? He couldn't worry about that. He'd just end up getting all nervous and he didn't want to lose what they had going. Again.

After one quick pass, Karkat grabbed John's glasses and put them back on his face.

"Your dumb face doesn't look right without them," Karkat explained, not even bothering to pretend to look annoyed.

That was just too cute to deal with, so John leaned down to kiss him some more. Both of their lips would probably start swelling soon, but he couldn't seem to care. Karkat started fumbling with John's belt and John reached down to return the favor. Apparently, though, buckles were hard. John gently blushed his boyfriend's fumbling hands away and sat up to undo it himself.

"Sorry," Karkat said.

"It's okay," John replied.

Eventually and with a bit of wiggling, they both managed to get their pants on the floor, followed by their cheesy patterned boxers (even though Karkat had been a little overenthusiastic and John's had gotten snagged on his dick and _ow). _They had to take a minute before they went any further so that they could get into a better position and John could slip a towel under Karkat. These weren't his _favorite _sheets, but he still didn't want pink stains on them. Then he turned his attention back to his lover's crotch.

Karkat's bone sheath was bright red, flushed even more heavily than it had been last time. John's cock twitched as he imagined what was waiting for him inside. He slid down Karkat's body so his face was level with his boyfriend's groin. Then with nothing more than a devilish grin as warning, he licked the length of the sheath. Karkat moaned and gripped the sheets as he swung open. His nook was already dripping, and from the rush that hit the towel he had been for a while. It smelled the way black coffee without quite enough sugar tasted, harsh in the back of John's throat but he wanted more. Karkat's bulge uncurled, tendrils reaching out in different directions. As it moved, little strands of pink goop stretched and snapped before sliding down, giving it an ever-changing sheen. Trolls sure are weird. But fuck if John didn't love the thing.

It almost looked like it was waving, so John smiled and said, "Hey there, Mr. Pants-Squid."

"Oh my god, John, why?"

"I can't help it. He's so cute!" John wiggled his fingers in front of Karkat's bulge.

"How would you like it if I started calling your weird alien genitals- oh…"

Karkat's head flopped back onto the pillow as his bulge wrapped around John's hand. The two shorter tentacles were content playing with his fingers, but the two longer ones were detaching and sliding their way down his wrist.

He wondered…

John stuck his tongue out and licked the tip of the biggest tentacle. It paused for a minute and then jumped right into his mouth. It was weird, kind of like Karkat's tongue but rounder and sweeter and not quite as dexterous. John wasn't quite sure where it landed on the sexy-bizarre continuum that was part of dating someone from a different phylum, and he didn't have time to figure it out because then the second tentacle started prodding his lips. He knew that if he didn't do something it would probably try to stick itself somewhere way in bizarre-land, so he opened a little wider and let it in.

It was then that Karkat stopped being able to hold himself to caught breaths and purrs and whimpers. His cries were music to John's ears. It wasn't fair to say Karkat moaned like a whore. Really, it was a lot more accurate to say that whores in every universe wished they could moan like Karkat. He was as noisy and emotive in bed as he was everywhere else, and it flittered over the line between cute and sexy, which made John's heart melt and insides tighten at the same time.

That, and the fact that he didn't want bits of alien junk finding their way up his nose, made him guide the remaining two tentacles into his mouth. Somehow Karkat managed to get even _louder, _and it bypassed John's heart and went straight to his cock. He rubbed himself against the mattress to help relieve some of the pressure. Then, with the shorter two exploring his mouth and tangling with his tongue, the two longer ones decided to slide down his throat.

That was pointedly less sexy, more like trying to swallow snot. Still, Karkat was definitely into it, so he shoved his thumbs in his fists to quell his gag reflex. He hadn't realized how long Karkat's bulge was until it was stretching down his throat, probably trying to find what it took to be the back of a truly massive nook. It reached a certain point and then he couldn't breathe.

Oh wow, why was _that_ so hot? Then he remembered he was being mouth-fucked by a hermaphroditic alien with a four-piece tentacle dick descended from some kind of beetle, so instead of worrying about being into kinky stuff he was probably better off just letting it happen. Besides, then Karkat's bulge started playing with his tongue in the way that drove him crazy and he started having to rub against the bed.

And then, right when he was really getting into it, Karkat shouted, "Stop!"

John pulled away, even though it took a while to get the last tentacle all the way out. Holy fuck, no wonder it had felt like so much. He had no idea it could stretch like that. It was a lot thinner than usual, but it had to be more than a foot long. Then it relaxed – Contracted? How the fuck did that even work? – And went back to its original shape.

"What is it?" John asked, voice raspy.

"I was gonna come."

"It would have been okay."

"Okay? Dammit, you haven't even touched my nook yet! Come here."

With a quick nod, John scrambled up the bed so Karkat could kiss him again. After his bulge it felt like it was almost lacking, but being pressed all the way against Karkat's warm body more than made up for it.

When they pulled away Karkat whispered in his ear. "John Egbert, you are the _filthiest_ creature in all of paradox space."

"Why's that?"

"I don't know if anyone's ever done that to a troll's bulge before."

John laughed. "Well, I guess with those teeth it kind of makes sense. But humans do it to each other all the time."

Karkat scowled. "I know. But how… how far was I?"

"Um, I think about..." He held up a finger to his chest, showing how deep he thought Karkat had gone. "Somewhere around here?"

"Mother fucking grub! I can't believe you let me-!"

"Hey, it's not that big of a deal. I mean, I kind of liked it," he replied with a shrug.

"Fuck." His eyes went wide and his pupils nearly eclipsed his irises. "I need you right fucking now."

John started to laugh again. Gosh, Karkat was cute at the weirdest times! But it was cut off into a moan when Karkat's bulge wrapped around his cock and started guiding it towards his nook.

"Is it okay like this? I mean last time you said if we were going to do it like this you had to be on top."

"Yeah. I-" He looked away and his ears flicked downward. "I've been practicing. I alchemized some… toys when everyone was out."

He could picture it clearly: Karkat curled up on his couch, biting his hand so no one would hear what he was doing. One vibrator was in his nook while he had his bulge wrapped around another. John imagined the way his shoulders would shake as he tried to hold back, the light rocks of his hips as he tried to simulate movement from a partner that wasn't there. Oh wow, add that to the sexy to-do list.

Karkat wrapped his legs around John's waist, giving him a better angle. John lined up and slowly rolled his hips forward, pushing inch by inch into Karkat's welcoming heat. He kept his eyes trained on his face, trying to gage if it got to be too much. He stopped when he reached the back of Karkat's nook. It was still a little shallow for his liking, but he swore he was further in than last time. He wasn't sure if it was the position or if Karkat had stretched a little that way too.

He started sucking on Karkat's shoulder to keep him occupied while he waited for him to adjust. Karkat's bulge started to move again, but John waited. It was painful and he was shaking with the effort not to just _go _but he didn't want to hurt him. He had to bite his lip when the shorter parts wrapped around the base of his erection, covering what Karkat's nook couldn't. And then the adventurous pair slid further back.

"Uh, Karkat?"

"Is this okay? I- I want to do this right. Just taking is selfish."

John swallowed, "Okay, but if you do I don't know if I'll be able to hold back."

Karkat frowned. "I don't want you to."

Then Karkat's slick bulge found John's entrance and that just threw the whole continuum out the window, managing to be really weird and really sexy at the same time. Good to his prediction, John lost any semblance of control. He shut his eyes and fucked him. It wasn't fair to call it 'making love' or 'having sex' or even 'screwing.' It was too fast, too hard, and they'd put it off for too long for John to apply what bits of finesse he'd somehow managed to pick up. Luckily, though, Karkat was in the same boat. They were mostly coordinated, but that was pure instinct. There was no eye-contact, no gentle touches, just scrambling for grips on blankets and moans so loud that John was pretty sure the walls were shaking.

It wasn't going to last. There was no way. John changed his angle a little bit to rub more along the front of Karkat's nook and felt clawed hands start digging into his back. His eyes flew open and he stared down at Karkat. He was completely ruined: face red, eyes wide and leaking tears, mouth half-open and pouring out encouraging noises. And then Karkat's bulge found his prostate.

"F-fuck!" John said, "Karkat, I'm gonna-!"

It took a moment for realization to flash across Karkat's fuck-drunk eyes. He decaptchalogued a bucket and John remembered the troll taboo against not pulling out and whined softly. Still, with a great effort, he managed to detangle himself from Karkat. They knelt together beside the bucket. Karkat wrapped his bulge around John's cock to help them both finish.

Oh no, hell no, he was _not _coming first this time too. He slipped his fingers inside Karkat's nook and crooked them to get to the spot Karkat said he could only touch once. That did the trick. With a scream that John swore almost made his ears bleed, Karkat collapsed against him, bright red genetic material filling the bucket. The rhythmic contractions of his bulge did it for John and then he making his own pathetic contributions to the mix.

For a moment all they could do was clutch each other's gross, sweaty bodies and breathe. After he was sure it was over, John captchalogued the bucket and flopped back down onto the mattress, still all tangled in Karkat. He made a face when he felt the towel beneath them. He grabbed that too and _success! _The sheets were barely damp! Karkat slowly closed up, first closing off his nook and bulge and then wrapping himself more tightly around John and purring contentedly.

He was warm and sticky and sweaty, but he was too damn cute like that to turn away. His ears twitched lightly as he nuzzled into John's chest. He'd warned him before that trolls tended to get clingy post-sex, but there hadn't really been time before. John had been imagining like spooning or loose hugging and general lovey-dovey stuff, so he was slightly disappointed to find that Karkat basically just turned into a magnet. Apparently pillow-talk, with its whispered declarations of love and the pure honesty that only happened when your brain was too wrecked to conceal anything, wasn't going to be a thing. Bummer.

With a wave of his hand, John called the wind to bring the comforter over from where it had unceremoniously been kicked to the floor. It would probably be there again by morning. Karkat was like a furnace when he slept. But for now, they were tucked in bed together, and they had successfully done the sex thing. And apparently right this time. John took off his glasses and then buried his face in Karkat's course hair.

He was tired. He was content.

Dave's music was still coming through the wall, even though the bedrooms were _supposed _to be soundproof. John blushed. Crap, he'd probably turned it up because he could hear them. God fucking dammit. The next day he was pretty sure he'd wake up to find a cake that said "congratulations on the sex" sitting in the kitchen.

But then Karkat shifted a little bit, reminding John than he had an armful of purring troll. That always made everything better. He recognized the song coming through the wall. Karkat had liked it so much earlier, and John was too sated to get nervous. He opened his mouth and started to sing.

"The dawn is breaking, a light shining through. You're barely awake and, and I'm tangled up in you. Yeah…"

This time he remembered all of the lyrics.


End file.
